Machete (2010)

Machete is so fucking ass-kicking cool and awesome that he makes James Bond, Rambo, Chuck Norris, Barney Stinson, and a whole lot of others appear to be a bunch of yellow whining sissies. It was 3 years ago that I saw the fake trailer for "Machete" in Tarantino/Rodriguez's "Grindhouse", and became completely in awe of the character, the action, and the brilliant one-liners that the 3 minute trailer had to offer. Once I knew the movie was put in production, based on the trailer, I couldn't wait to see it. And today, at last, I got the chance. "Machete" is everything that Robert Rodriguez promised, and a whole lot more. As the last scene rolled and the lights went on on the room, me and my 2 friends were laughing our heads off to the last on-screen joke, and we continued on laughing on our way out of the room, down the stairs, and way into the parking lot, repeating lines from the film, saying "awesome", "brilliant", "fantastic", and laughing once more. But we were not laughing because it was ahaha funny, we were laughing because the movie was so god-damned-awesome. I have seen many movies like this, which stunk very hard, made by Norris, Stallone, Steven Seagal, and others. The difference here is that Rodriguez is perfectly aware of his material, and he turns it around in a clever irony, putting all the ass-kicking stuff over the top, and giving a comical awareness to the usual lame back story that just exists to justify the jaw-dropping scenes of Machete killing everything in site in the coolest way ever. He is off course played by Danny Trejo, who was just born to play this part. No-one, ever, could do it like him, and get away with it. The pre-title sequence shows Machete being set up in Mexico, where his wife and child are killed. He escapes nonetheless and lays low in the States. The plot relates to the underground movement that helps illegal immigrants fit in the States (lead by Michelle Rodriguez), and the bad guys who want to end it, and build an electric fence over the border. There is the politician (Robert deNiro, incredible comic timing, notably in the last scene), the liaison (Jeff Fahey), the executioner (introducing?! Don Johnson), and the evil mastermind behind it all... Steven Seagal!!!, in his first bad-guy role ever (but with a dreadful spanish accent). There is also a police-woman Jessica Alba, and Machete's brother, a priest. When Machete gets involved with a fake plot to kill deNiro and is once again set up, he takes matters into his own hands, Machete-style!!! And when he finds out that the bad guys are the same that screwd him up in Mexico, then he gets down-right nasty. On the way he beds Rodriguez, Alba, and both daughter and wife (at the same time) of Fahey, the daughter played by Lindsay Lohan (a part fashioned after her own life, no?). The back story for "Machete" can be somewhat lame and not very deep, as is usual in action movies, and some of the lines are just plain bad, and are said without any conviction by the array of great actors. But these scenes are completly forgotten once Machete picks up his knives and guns and goes to work. The movie has a lot of "ohh-my-God-I-can't-believe-he-did-that-scenes", swelled with coolness and ass-kicking techniques, great-one-liners, and fantastic fighting sequences. Some scenes though make one feel that there is something missing, but if you check it out, those are the trailer scenes. There are rumors that Rodiguez shot half the picture while making the trailer, and that can account for some shots missing in some scenes. Anyway, "Machete" is a testosterone movie for guys who aim to see the coolest cat ever killing bad guys by the dozens, getting the woman, and saving the day in the end. This is "THE" movie for that. All others are lame in comparison. Brilliant action/comedy film, completely aware of itself, and that takes the audience for a hell-ride with it. This is the greatest mockery of every action film ever made, and it is given Rodriguez-style and Machete-style, that is, in a hilarious-kicking-ass fashion. I have said kick-ass a lot of times in this review, but that's what Machete is all about! Unmissable. And the end-screen-title? Priceless!